Funk

So I've been in a bit of a funk. I think many things are contributing...

Like the fact that it is hot again, when I thought winter had arrived. I planned this baby to be delivered in the winter, but here I am, using my air conditioner every night and nap and having hot flashes on a regular basis.

I've been in a Bible reading stage, where I am reading, but not finding lots to apply. Sorry if that sounds awful, but I've been a Christian long enough to come in and out of stages like this, and I know it is just for a time. I've been asking the Lord to give me a hunger and desire for His Word so that I'll read more, but in this tired Mommy stage, honestly, it not always the first thing I want to do with my down time. I have been feeling a bit spiritually disconnected. 

Or my tiredness, headaches, indigestion and overall "not myself" feeling. I know, I am 33 weeks pregnant with a gigantic belly and a 1 year old to chase, so it is to be expected, but it doesn't feel like the usual me. Did I mention the gigantic belly? Yeah, it is hard for me to feel beautiful or sexy for my husband when I can hardly roll out of bed to pee 5 million times a night and need pillows to prop me up for the lovely barf feeling. (This is the negative side of pregnancy, yet honest... there are many positives too, maybe for another post.)

Along with my tiredness comes a difficulty in desiring to go visit my friends at the hospital. I enjoy them when I go; however, getting over my afternoon lull enough to get the car to fight crazy Maputo traffic is proving harder and harder. I hate feeling a bit disconnected there.

Plus there is the fact that my husband is going the States next week without me. For 11 days. His youngest brother is getting married, and I understand he needs to be there; I would not miss my sisters' weddings. In my mind I understand and support him. Emotionally I lean towards the crazy 8 month pregnant lady, exhausted, who has only been without her husband for 2 days at a time in the near 4 years we've been married. Wish I could muster up some excitement for him, but so far my selfishness has won out. Boo!

I could list more contributing factors, because there are more, but you get the picture. There are many little things that are just all on top of one another and I've just been left feeling, as stated a couple of times above, disconnected.

Last night, after a day of being sick with a tummy bug and laying in bed half the day, I found myself not tired or ready for sleep. I decided I needed some soul therapy, so I told my hubby I was going to take a bath and listen to my Ipod. Worship music + good smelling scents + hot water = Ahhhhh. As in almost every funk, I turned on a Selah album and let the hymns minister the truth of God's character, His presence, and His faithfulness to me. I cried a bit (what's new?) and then soulishly felt a bit refreshed.

I am still tired and hot, and like it or not, my hubby is still leaving, but I am trying to "turn my eyes upon Jesus and look full in His wonderful face", so that maybe the other things will grow strangely dim.

Lazy week. Emotional daughter.

This has been such a lazy week for me. My husband has started spoiling me each morning, offering for me to stay in bed while he gets up to play with Anaya. I end up waking up an hour or so later. How nice! I try to remind myself not to feel guilty, as multiple breastfeeding sessions each night are around the corner, however, I still feel a bit like a bum. On top of that extra sleep, I've been napping fairly consistently. This week has been cloudy and cool here in Maputo, and I just cannot resist the urge to get under the covers.

I am throwing a dear friend a bridal shower this weekend, which should be absolutely fabulous (pics to come), and I'm grateful there was planning beforehand, because this week my motivation to work is gone. I have to find it today though, because there are somethings I'd rather not be up at midnight on Friday doing. I think I will have to take my friend Lynne Hartke's advice and see if the motivation can be found in chocolate chip cookies. Just so happens my Mom mailed me chocolate chips, so I can even make proper ones.

Anaya has been a bit on the emotional side this week, and I'm not too sure why. Perhaps she senses the changes that are on the horizon? Or perhaps she is just being a little toot. I'd like to think the first. =) I try and balance extra snuggles with not letting her get used to 24/7 attention.Yesterday I became very aware that she has had too much of our attention this week, as I could not do the dishes or cook dinner without her wailing next to me. Oh dear. Not going to work. So I washed and talked to her as she cried, gasping for air, as if something horrific had happened. I'd stop and give her a quick hug and back rub, and then back to the dishes... and her wailing. Some days are just hard to know what is best as Mom.

I continue to ask the Lord for wisdom, as well as ask friends to ask on my behalf. He says He likes to give it to those who ask, so I'm going to be an asker! I want to be a good Mama, but I certainly am in need of wisdom on how to do that.

As I Wait for Jovie

It's been longer than I'd hoped. What can I say? I've been unmotivated to write. I've opened this silly page multiple times, only to close it hours later with a few words scribbled in. Can you scribble on the computer? It felt like scribbling at least. Then blogger changed it's look, and I didn't care to learn the new ways. I've succumbed.

After Anaya's dramatic sickness, Jon caught the flu, or at least that's what we diagnosed because everything the doctors' said didn't seem to fit. I guess we're just really smart, or something... ;) I learned how much Jon usually helps, because this Mama found herself exhausted at the end of the days. I am truly a blessed woman, and my hat goes off to you single Mamas or Mamas with really busy or really lazy husbands. Sometimes I feel like a rockstar Mom, raising Anaya well enough to hold my head proud, but truth be told, it's only a team effort. Jon is a-m-a-z-i-n-g. For you singles out there, make this a priority on your list and don't settle!

I find myself a mere 8 weeks or so away from having our little Jovie girl join us. This brings mixed emotions...

I am obviously thrilled to meet this little girl, who is attempting to push through my belly and play with her sister on a regular basis now. I cannot wait to see what she looks like, if she is similar to Anaya or completely different. (SUCH an amazing moment to SEE this little person who has been residing in your tummy for a long 9 months!) To hold a tiny newborn that is my very own. Ugh! I can hardly remember; it seems ages ago now.

Then I find myself sad for the adjustments Anaya is about to face. Ultimately the pros outweigh the cons, and I am happy we decided to have these two so close; however, it will be a little confusing and difficult at times, and that makes me sad. I like Anaya to feel secure and loved. It is never easy to be forced into selflessness.

I am dreading the year of breastfeeding to come. Sorry to you ladies, who love it and feel so bonded. I will do it because I feel like it is best for Jovie and me, but I do not miss it in the least.

I dread labor. Well, to be honest, it is less the labor and more the recovery. The labor isn't nice, but it is fairly short-lived. My recovery was on the difficult side last time, mainly due to the emergency large episiotomy to get Anaya out. Perhaps this time will be easier. 

Which brings me to the fact that my mom is coming. Pure excitement. AH! I still can hardly believe it. It will be such a blessing. I know she'll be a huge help around the house, but more importantly, she can give a little extra lovin' to Anaya during a chaotic time for Jon and I. And then she can help me with Jovie so Jon can give some lovin' to Anaya. And round and round. You get the picture. Awesome. Big thanks to my Daddy-o, who is sacrificing his wifey for 20 days and budgeting for a not so cheap trip. Turns out June is expensive to get here!

So those are a few of the emotions/thoughts floating around this soul of mine. It is funny how things just happen though. They come and go and life adjusts and before you know it, you can't imagine things any different. I know Jovie will add so much joy to our lives, as her name implies. Little Jovie Fé will teach us/show us to have a joyful faith. It is good.






A long account of Anaya's first hospital trips

It had been a busier morning for me. I went and visited the family of a friend, Monica, who had recently died. The women and children had breakfast and then, too formally, they served me breakfast. (bread and butter and tea) I made silly face at the kids that filled the floor as they hid behind their mothers, not accustomed to strange white people in their house.

I got home and Anaya was in bed. She had gone down for her nap a little later than usual, but had enjoyed working out with Dad, stomping on the exercise mat and trying everything he did. Everything was normal.

After only 45 minutes or so, we heard her making some noises in bed, usually meaning, "Come get me!" It would be considered a short nap, but with some recent growth spurts and the like, I never think too much of it. I was making dessert for my Bible study that night so asked Jon to go grab her.

When they came into the kitchen, I noticed her breathing was strange. She didn't seem alarmed, just sort of gasping a bit. Jon put her in her high chair to start on lunch, her favorite meal of the day, but she was quite uninterested and the funny gasping hadn't stopped. I thought that maybe she felt nauseous and that it was an unusual new sensation, so was responding like this. Again, she was very calm.

I had a minute or two to finish up dessert. Jon commented on how she felt warm and began looking for our thermometer. He sat in a chair in the living room, and decided he wanted me to come look at her for a second opinion. My time sensitive dessert made me holler, "I need one minute!" I poured the hot dessert into the pan so it wouldn't harden in the pot, in my mind knowing we'd head to the doctor soon, and casually went into the living room.

After feeling Anaya, hearing her breathing again, and now seeing her lethargic state, I knew we needed to go. Quick. I grabbed Anaya and went to the car, while Jon began to gather a few things. She was burning up now. I began to panic, honking the horn for Jon to hurry.

I had a million things going through my mind, and I'm so grateful Jon was clear-headed enough to make decisions about clinics and hospitals. I was fearful her breathing was about to stop, but wisely, Jon knew clinics would just send us to a hospital.

Jon drove like a madman with his hazards on. I was thankful. He jumped curbs, drove on sidewalks, sped past a police officer who was trying to stop us, etc. We evaluated as we drove past hospitals, knowing we preferred the one that was the furthest, as we thought it would be the best care.

Anaya had now vomited multiple times, all over her and me. I didn't care in the least. I only hoped it would make her feel better and help her breathing. It didn't. I kept trying to get her to drink a little, as it seemed like a little color would return to her lips when she did. I'd sit her limp body up in my lap every few minutes trying to keep her alert saying things like, "You gotta stay with me!" I didn't want her sleeping; she already looked half dead and sleeping would be worse.

I just couldn't believe how fast everything was all happening. Thoughts of losing her would flash through my mind, but I couldn't go there, I needed to focus and do all I could for her right then. I'd pray and sing, hoping familiar things would be comforting.

Turns out the Lord was directing Jon, and we made it to the furthest hospital. We rushed into the E.R., where the receptionist decided we should go to see a pediatrician, knowing they would handle a child better. (There was no pediatrician on staff in the E.R.) As we quickly walked down the hall, Anaya in her diaper, me covered in vomit, we saw my OBGYN that delivered Anaya and will deliver Jovie. The gynecologists and pediatricians offices are next to each other.

It was only the Lord that had her in the hallway right then and not in her office. She immediately could tell something was wrong, but in her usual calm manner assured me that Anaya was just sick and would be fine. She told me with a broad smile, "And now you are becoming a Mom!" She rubbed Anaya's back and talked sweetly with her. After hearing Anaya's breathing she calmly let me know we would surely be admitted.

The receptionist was trying to begin paperwork with Jon, but my doctor matter-of-factly told her we could do that later, and took me into an office of a pediatrician. The office was empty. She quickly took me to the other pediatrician on staff, walking us right into her office. It was Anaya's pediatrician that was there for her birth and has done her check-ups 'till this point. What a blessing! She was wrapping up with a patient, so I walked out to wait. My doctor would have none of it, telling me to get in there.

She weighed her, listened to her chest, scribbled some instructions and off we went back the E.R. to begin treatment. She was given a breathing treatment, which she hated. The loud noise, funny smoke coming out, a strange plastic mask on her face, and inability to suck her thumb was all a little much. I hated her screaming, but her breathing did seem to improve. Her poor little head was drenched in sweat from the fever and screaming.

Then came the I.V. port and blood draw. We were asked if we wanted to leave. Heck no. There was no way you could get me to leave my baby right then. I held her head in my lap, leaned over, put my cheek against hers and sang softly in her ear. Jon got in front of her face, spoke reassuringly, and joined in songs. Her screaming was horrific for this Mama. I hated that nothing could be explained... she's only 1! After multiple pokes, it was in.

Anaya, still sick and exhausted shut her eyes. They came with a suppository to lower her fever. I worried it would be one more traumatic event, but in her exhaustion she only whined a second and it was over.

A few minutes later we were told we'd be taken to get her chest X-ray done. While walking out of the E.R. I realized her I.V. port was in the hand that she sucks her thumb. Agh! I wasn't thinking in all the confusion! Oh well... I guess she'd learn to suck the other thumb. No way I was going to ask them to switch hands.

Knowing we were being admitted, the staff wanted Jon to come deal with some paperwork and a deposit. They also would not run the blood tests without those being paid in advance, so with Anaya fairly stable, he complied. I took her for her X-ray. While waiting in the hallway, Anaya threw up again.

Looking in the room as they set up I was worried I wouldn't be allowed to enter, especially being pregnant. If that were the case, I'd made up my mind they would have to wait for Jon; Anaya was in no state to be left with strangers. Thankfully they had a weighted cover for me to wear. I could not hold Anaya, as she had to stand on her own while a man held her arms above her head, but I could stand right in front of her. She cried the whole time, and I acted like a loony lady trying to make her happy.

When we were done I went back to stand with Jon. When he told me what they wanted for a deposit, I nearly died. A bit worried, he didn't know if we even had that on the credit card we had with us. The hospital wanted a 5 day deposit and would reimburse us for what we didn't use. The pediatrician had already told us she thought 2 days minimum, so Jon asked if we could pay those two days and then, if necessary, pay the rest. We get a stinky exchange rate anyway when we get reimbursed, so Jon explained that as well. They agreed. Praise the Lord! (We do have insurance, but we typically pay ahead and they reimburse us in about 2 weeks.)

Finally, we could go to our room. Anaya passed out on my chest. Jon and I discussed that someone needed to go home to pack some things for our stay. It made most sense for me to go. I was covered in vomit and needed a shower, plus I know where everything of Anaya's is and what she tends to use on a daily basis. I should go. I cried. I didn't want to leave her, but I did know that she'd be fine with Jon and she shouldn't have any more major procedures for the next hour or more. I left.

In the car I made a few calls to ask for prayer. I could have had a break down, but I decided it wasn't a good time, there was still lots to do. It turned into more than an hour away from the hospital, thanks to traffic, but a good time for me to wrestle through some things and ultimately hand my daughter over to the Lord once again. I had to trust him, or I'd lose it.

When I got back, Anaya had accidentally pulled out her I.V. port, so they would come by in awhile to put in a new one. While I dreaded the process, I was happy she would be able to suck her thumb. The new port went into the top of her foot. Again, it took multiple horrific tries as my daughter screamed in fear and pain. Once it was in she got a splint and her foot wrapped, insuring it would stay put. It did.

Anaya had eaten some yogurt and drank some juice with Daddy while I was gone, but he told me she wouldn't even lift her head. She was drained. An hour or so after my return Anaya sat up, looked at me, and began talking happily. My heart was relieved. I knew she would be just fine.

It was a long night interrupted by breathing treatments and medications that were pushed into her I.V., usually both accompanied by tears. In between we'd watch DVDs and play with toys I brought from home. By morning Anaya couldn't be kept in bed. She ran the halls of the empty ward, pushed plastic chairs, and banged on glass windows. We were ready to go home. It was a relief when the doctor gave us our discharge late that afternoon. We'd have to continue breathing treatments and medications, but we could do it from the comfort of our home and without an I.V.

Anaya was thrilled to be home. She slept well in her bed, and took her breathing treatments like a champ. She had a great follow up appointment and life was back to normal, playing outside and roaming the house. Two days later; however, about 15 minutes after one of her medications, Anaya was in the bath when her eyes sort of rolled and she began to vomit. Immediately she went into a very lethargic state. I could feel the panic rising. Her breathing seemed fine, which was a comfort, though she did seem hot.

She stayed in my arms, and we watched her carefully. A nauseous feeling would be somewhat new to her, and we all know how miserable it is, so perhaps that is why she lay so limp. Plus it was bedtime, so it seemed normal she would sleep. After three more vomiting episodes, we decided we should head to the E.R. I could not handle another frantic trip so soon, and I felt like we were still in the position to pack a few things and drive a law abiding speed without entering oncoming traffic to get there.

Anaya slept the whole way, but vomited as soon as we entered. A wonderful pediatrician, who was not even supposed to be there and wasn't on call, was on her way out when we arrived, but decided she would come see us. Thank you Lord! She concluded Anaya probably had too many drugs in her little system. She took a long listen to Anaya's lungs and determined they were 100% clean. We could stop all meds except the antibiotic. Anaya got a shot of anti-nausea medication, was monitored for awhile, and off we went to the pharmacy to get a few more "in case" medications.

We arrived home hopeful we were finished; however, on the way to our room, Anaya vomited again. It continued until 2:30 or so a.m. but we were able to keep her sipping and hydrated. Thankfully, it stopped and she slept the rest of the night. So far she has kept liquid and some toast down.

The Lord was so good to us throughout this process, giving supernatural peace and energy to Jon and me. He arranged the best doctors for us and has provided us with the finances to be able to have insurance and not fret about good medical care for our daughter. We are so, so thankful to Him. And we are so grateful for this little gift of life He has lent us in Anaya. We choose to trust Him with her days.

Jovie Update/ Mommy update

3rd trimester? Really?!

Okay, so when I think back to the day I took that little test, it does seem forever ago.



Now we're at 27.5 weeks pregnant! This picture is at 26 weeks:



Again, I have been blessed with an easy pregnancy, and I praise the Lord! As I move into the 3rd trimester, it is time for naps. I have started having slumps when Anaya naps around 1, and just this week I've been decidedly taking advantage of my 1-childness state and resting! It is hard for me, not to feel lazy.

While this pregnancy has been easy enough, it has been more uncomfortable than my pregnancy with Anaya. I get more cramps/aches and pains. The end of the day brings a sore belly. I think lifting a 20+ pound child all day would be the culprit! =) I don't sleep well, though I didn't with Anaya either. I remember thinking I got so much rest when Anaya was born! I could sleep on my tummy, and I didn't have to pee 4 times a night. Ugh!

I have gained about 18lbs now. I think is right about where I was with Anaya. With Anaya I hardly gained in my 3rd trimester, and I hoping for the same with Jovie girl... we'll see! My regular jeans still go on, just no buttoning, so I feel like I'm doing fine.

Jovie is estimated at a healthy 2.6 pounds, which of course my doctor thinks is on the large side. When you live in a 3rd world country, babies aren't born big. When I saw Jovie today she was taste testing her umbilical cord! Silly girl. She is a hand sucker, which I hope to mean another thumb sucker on the way. =)

Time is running, and before I know it I will have 2 little girls in my arms! Hard to imagine really.

A More Scheduled Life

I am not a scheduler... I like to be in the know, knowing what things need to be accomplished by when, and no worries, I'll get them done when I feel most motivated or most stressed. That's when I do my best work, always have. But when it comes to allotted times for specific things I tend to feel caged.

Nonetheless, Jon and I are going to give a shot to a more scheduled life, feeling like we are not being the most productive with our mornings. There is no punishment system in place, nothing to be feared, just goals. Maybe I'll feel less "caged", right?

Today is day one. My first urge is to rebel. Why? So strange.

Jon leaned over to wake me up with a kiss. He gently asked if I was getting up to exercise. It was 5:45. I moaned and shut my eyes. He went on to get ready. I made the decision - Get UP! Scratching my protruding belly I walked to the restroom, thinking the whole time, "I am not a morning worker-outer." It's true, I'm not. The fact is, however, I am also a tired Mommy, so if I think I'll do it after Anaya goes to bed, there is a good chance I won't. Afternoon naps = too hot. I will become a morning worker-outer. At least for now.

I giggle when I think about my schedule. There isn't much on it for now. I know with Anaya I have to have time to be Mommy most of the day.

Another goal for today - meal planning. I tend to plan my meals the morning of. I tend go to the store a lot. I am going to try to plan a week at a time, and grocery shop 1-2x a week. Fruits and veggies don't last here like they do in the States, so we'll see how that goes.

Later this week I will be planning activities for Anaya. I would like to start 2-3x a week doing a little organized "learning/exploring" time, short but purposeful and planned. I've found some good websites for 1-2 year olds. If you Mommies have any suggestions, they would be very welcomed!

Okay, I'm cooled down from working out... to breakfast and then meal planning! I got lucky this morning, Anaya is being a sleepy head!

Happy Birthday, Anaya!

I remember the day as if it were yesterday. I was being induced by a small pill that would be inserted into my cervix. I was nervous about the day ahead, but anxious to meet my daughter and prepared as I ever could be. To read about the day:

Birth Story


(What a strange moment, and yet so terribly right.)

Somehow, Mommyhood just happened. Anaya came into our lives, and we were parents. The last year has been full of joy, growing and stretching. She has been the easiest of babies, and as her name's meaning, I look up to God and give a shout of praise!

As her personality develops, and I get to know this little girl of God, I marvel at His handiwork. When I think that the Lord has entrusted her to Jon and I to shape and develop, I am humbled, and a bit overwhelmed. May we be faithful.

I cannot wait to see the Lord's plans and purposes for her future.

Happy Birthday, my beautiful, flawless girl! (Song of Songs 4:7)