My Life as an African Gypsy

Isn't it funny how one bad experience can shatter a person's confidence?

Over the past month, I have not been able to use my Portuguese like I would like to. Because of this, I felt it slipping, yet had no idea how badly until I was sitting in front of a group of girls at the youth group trying to share my testimony/short message off the top of my head.

My verbs got tangled; I could not think of the words I needed... it was awful. I felt like running out and crying. The nerves didn't help the confusion in my head, nor did the blank faces of the teen girls present. I felt judged and inadequate. Humiliated. I pushed through, managing to painfully get my point across. Honestly it probably wasn't as horrendous as I felt. Nonetheless, I felt that way, and my confidence went down the drain.

In my pride I wanted to tell them, "I am an English professor. I am well educated. I actually love speaking. I am good at this... in English. I am!" Oh how it hurts to fail.

When I had to speak after that, even in small ways, I could feel to doubt whispering in my ear.

Just before Easter I was invited to preach the Easter service. Though nervous, I said yes, feeling like passing up this opportunity would be stupidity. I struggled with immense fear up until the night before. I decided to plan a bit more and not go with my usual English way of "a couple of bullet points and winging it". I had come to a certain peace with things, trusting the Lord for his help, but then I got very sick and was unable to have a go at it.

It was small victory though, the fact that I was putting myself out there again, being willing.

Today I had my chance.

Today was the start of a young girls' craft/Bible study that I am supposed to head up. Though a little unsure, I went with it thinking it would be a small group. There ending up being fourteen girls between 8 and 15. Praise the Lord I had such a good time, and I must say that I think my Portuguese was just fine. I will get more and more comfortable with time. I feel ready to take on anything.

Isn't it funny how one good experience can surge confidence within a person?

Just because you have one bad experience... or two or three, doesn't mean they will all be that way. Keep trying. Don't lose hope.