My Life as an African Gypsy

After waiting nearly two years, the time has come for me to buy permanent things for my home... and it is just as fun as I thought it would be.

While waiting on doctors and tests results, we figured now was a good time to shop and compare prices on long term items for our upcoming home. I have scoured the shops, notebook in hand, comparing prices and quality, and I believe I am close to making purchases.

From red casserole dishes, to stainless steel pots and pans... from a toaster, to silverware... it's all too exciting!

Finally I am going to be able to express my own style in my own space. Soon I will have to opportunity to host people in my own home. When I get situated, I am going to take you with me on a small tour. Get excited!

Isn't it funny how one bad experience can shatter a person's confidence?

Over the past month, I have not been able to use my Portuguese like I would like to. Because of this, I felt it slipping, yet had no idea how badly until I was sitting in front of a group of girls at the youth group trying to share my testimony/short message off the top of my head.

My verbs got tangled; I could not think of the words I needed... it was awful. I felt like running out and crying. The nerves didn't help the confusion in my head, nor did the blank faces of the teen girls present. I felt judged and inadequate. Humiliated. I pushed through, managing to painfully get my point across. Honestly it probably wasn't as horrendous as I felt. Nonetheless, I felt that way, and my confidence went down the drain.

In my pride I wanted to tell them, "I am an English professor. I am well educated. I actually love speaking. I am good at this... in English. I am!" Oh how it hurts to fail.

When I had to speak after that, even in small ways, I could feel to doubt whispering in my ear.

Just before Easter I was invited to preach the Easter service. Though nervous, I said yes, feeling like passing up this opportunity would be stupidity. I struggled with immense fear up until the night before. I decided to plan a bit more and not go with my usual English way of "a couple of bullet points and winging it". I had come to a certain peace with things, trusting the Lord for his help, but then I got very sick and was unable to have a go at it.

It was small victory though, the fact that I was putting myself out there again, being willing.

Today I had my chance.

Today was the start of a young girls' craft/Bible study that I am supposed to head up. Though a little unsure, I went with it thinking it would be a small group. There ending up being fourteen girls between 8 and 15. Praise the Lord I had such a good time, and I must say that I think my Portuguese was just fine. I will get more and more comfortable with time. I feel ready to take on anything.

Isn't it funny how one good experience can surge confidence within a person?

Just because you have one bad experience... or two or three, doesn't mean they will all be that way. Keep trying. Don't lose hope.

During my time in Angola I have been struggling to find my purpose, my 'reason' for being here. The days seem to come and go and I am left thinking, "What have I done?"

While in Mozambique I felt used by the Lord on a near daily basis, for sure on a weekly basis, so why oh why would the Lord take away? Just when i feel like an opportunity is presenting itself, I feel like it is snatched from under me.

Last week I found myself sitting in my little mud house with the doors shut and the windows closed in tears. I turned on my Beth Moore video, which I should have watched about a week ago, and tried to focus.

Do you know what it was about?

Waiting on the Lord.

What timing! How the Lord knew what I needed! He is good like that. =)

She talked of the scriptures in Isaiah 40 verses 28-31 that say,

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Doesn't this seem contrary to real life? In real life, when we are waiting for something, it is draining! It takes forever. We lose strength. But the key is that we must not wait for things, for dates, or for opportunities, we must was for the Lord.

Before Jesus died, he told the disciples that they were to go to Jerusalem and wait for the Holy Spirit. The disciples waited in the upper room until the day of Pentecost.

(Can't you imagine that the whole they were waiting they would look to each other and say, "Did you hear that? Was the the Holy Spirit? Has he come? Did you feel that? They had no idea what it would be like!)

In some ways I feel like this time for me is a time of waiting, a time of waiting for the filling of the Holy Spirit. I find myself sitting in this little mud house, waiting.

At the end of the lesson she talked about balancing passion with patience. If you know me, you know I have that passion part covered. I am ready! But sometimes the Lord asks us to be patient. Sometimes He is going before us, preparing the way. Sometimes He is working right inside of us, preparing us for the work ahead.

No matter what the cause, when we wait upon the Lord, when we wait on Him, we will be strengthened. I don't need to focus on being "used" or "doing", I just need Him and His power at work within me.