She is gone... thank you Jesus
I am a little overwhelmed as I sit here. It comes in waves. I have so many things to get done before leaving town on Monday, but I can't get her face out of my head. Her face twisted in pain, drenched in sweat.
Three days. Three long days.
She never slept. She couldn't lay down because her arm was so big, so painful.
Today when I got there she told me to stand, she grabbed me and put her head against my stomach. It was a nice height to rest her head. There I stood for hours. She would rest a bit, and then begin to squirm in pain asking for cool water to be poured down her back.
How I thanked the Lord for the moments she was still.
I won't forget her hand grabbing my waist band, gripping with pain as my hand lay gently on the back of her head. At one point she began asking me what she was going to do with her children ages 4, 13, and 19. I said I didn't know, but reminded her that the Jesus we kept calling to, He would take care of them. We trust Him.
(Honestly in my head I began to think how I could take the two youngest in myself. I still would, though I was told in order to adopt you have to have been here 2 years and stay 2 more years...)
When I would pray she would ask me just to say "Jesus. Jesus. Jesus..." I have said His name thousands of times over the past days. Oh Jesus.
After some time, with help of friends we picked her up off the metal chair she had been in for days and got her sitting on the bed. The move was painful and took so much of her energy.
I sat there on the bed with her, facing her so her forehead could rest on my shoulder and she could lean her face against my face. Such intimate moments. I whispered the name of Jesus over and over. As she would move around in pain, I asked the Lord to give me the strength to hold her up. I wrapped my arm around her and, faint from fighting, her body would lean over resting against me. This went on for awhile.
Finally her breathing slowed, her movements stopped. My heart began racing as I continued saying the name of Jesus. My eyes wear glued to her chest. She breathed a few more times and then it was over. She was dead. In my arms.
To make sure I decided I would lay her down, if she didn't move from pain I would know. She didn't. I said "Thank you Jesus" aloud... my arm still under her head I began frantically scanning the room for help. The nurses were not around. I waved at some visitors for help. I needed a nurse. I needed them to get me the nurse. I slipped my arm from under her head, and covered her legs with her skirt. When the nurse arrived I turned, and I lost it.
I walked as fast as I could through the women's room and then through the children's room unable to hold back the sobbing. I found a hallway with a bench, sat down and started to call Jon to come take me home.
The mothers' of the children came quickly after me, as they had seen me rush through. They kept wiping my face and telling me not to cry. I told them I was thankful to God, that it was better because she had suffered so much, but still I could not stop crying.
Jon got there and hugged me tight. When we got home I walked through the door and started ripping off my clothes; they reeked of sickness and death. I couldn't take it anymore. I took a hot shower and then Jon rubbed my back, sore from standing and leaning. At one point I looked at Jon and told him, "I have a feeling this will not be the last time someone dies in my arms."
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I am so thankful to Jesus for the strength of Emilia, who never stopped crying out to Him, despite her year of fighting cancer and her three days of immense pain. I am thankful she is finally at peace and resting with Him.
I am thankful for the miracles the Lord preformed in me and the strength He gave me to be His hands. It is all because of Him. There is absolutely no way I could have done this; I am far too weak.
January 30, 2010 at 12:34 AM
As I sit here in my office with tears streaming down my face I can only look up and say "Thank You Jesus!" I am humbled beyond words, and I am challenged beyond measure. As wwe have all been privileged to be part of your life and your journey it leads me to say "Thank You God for my precious little girl." For all the ministry the Lord has me doing at this time pales to what I read of your life and what He is doing through you. My thoughts are "Why the sermons oh Lord?" "Why all the teaching?" "Does it all really matter?" Then I hear HIm say "There are hospitals here Pete where people lie dying, and there are children in need who need to be mentored,there are nursing homes full of needed and dying" Now it's up to me....Live even more, give even more, love even more. Thank you Layne for showing me Jesus! Love you..Daddy xx00x0
January 30, 2010 at 2:59 AM
Reading over Dad's I have to say I feel the same. I just read your post with tears and sobbing and had to go lay Teagan down to sleep. I wept singing her "Jesus Jesus there's just something about that name...." I sing that to her every night but it was so fresh about you saying the name Jesus over and over these last few days. Again I wish I could hug you tightly and cry with you. People can't even imagine. And yes it's Jesus that is your strength. He was radiating all over and through you sweet Layne. And like Dad, I'm moved to do something. Anywhere we are there are needy and they need a Savior and the arms of Christ to be there for them...Thank you Jesus. For you alone are worthy....
January 30, 2010 at 6:37 AM
Hi Layne, don't know if you remember me or not...Mark Summers...I hope you don't mind me posting here.
I was touched by the story of your account with Emilia. So many times the question comes up "why would God allow this to happen", most often times the answer is simply "I don't know". But I believe I can see at least a part of the answer as to the why...That My name would be made great among the nations (Ezek.36/Malachi1) That has truly happened in those who were there to witness what took place, and with those who have read this account on Facebook and her on your blog. May God continue to use you and your husband to make a difference in the lives of the people you encounter, in the good deeds, and in the proclomation of His Son.
Press On.
January 30, 2010 at 5:42 PM
Love
slipped into the room
in the place of the dying,
with tear-streamed face
she gripped the hand of Suffering,
declaring with fierce determination,
"I have not forgotten you.
You will not die alone."
Today
in the place of the dying,
Love kept her promise.
January 30, 2010 at 6:18 PM
Jesus ... I want to make more of a difference in my world ...
January 30, 2010 at 8:22 PM
Layne,
I wish I was there to hug you.It's like that Casting Crowns song - Love them like Jesus, carry them to Him. His yoke is easy, His burden is light. You don't need the answers to all of life's questions. Just know that He loves them, stay by their side....I know she needed you to be Jesus in the flesh these last few days.
January 30, 2010 at 8:24 PM
Yes, Dear Jesus, as a result of going through these times of suffering through your servant's Jon and Layne, I pray to not be the same. Move us more and more by your Holy Spirit in us to be available as Jon and Layne have been, because there is where we become your hands to hold, your arms to comfort. Oh, Jesus hold our Layne through her precious husband for us, we love her so.
January 30, 2010 at 9:19 PM
Layne, you're my hero... I know it was God's Spirit at work in and through you, but you allowed Him to work... I can't tell you much your posts have meant to me... I love you. --Rena
January 30, 2010 at 10:07 PM
How thoughtful you are Layne, you took the time to cover her legs with her skirt. Your heart is soft and broken and God is using you to minister in a way few will ever know. (And maybe not even in a way that you had envisioned.) Not through the teaching of messages but through the compassion of your heart and the love of your Lord. May God continue to fill your heart and may we all continue to be the strength that helps hold up your arms in this particular battle.
Colleen
February 1, 2010 at 4:46 PM
Layne, It was a pretty emotional day yesterday at church. My heart goes out to you and Jon. I thank the Lord for the two of you. I love to be able to read about what you two are doing. It is amazing what the Lord can do through trials and death. Thank you for sharing. We love you and are praying for you always. Take care.
February 2, 2010 at 6:53 AM
someone died in your arms. i wish i could look into your eyes to hear you. because i dont completely understand your words. how can i.
i praise our God that he has blessed you with all you need. [i praise him for more,but in this moment...] it reminds me of that truth for myself.
February 3, 2010 at 2:16 AM
i know it's been several days since al lthis happened, layne, but i wanted you to know that i'm still praying for you. i wish there were words i could say to bring comfort, but i'm pretty sure that there's not much that would help. i love you though, and i'm glad you were there to love emilia.